Please No Like Father, Like Son

Today, my oldest son, almost 15 informed me once again that he is not attending school.  Sometimes the way he talks to me reminds me of the way his father talks at me, talks down to me.  I'm at once both angered and saddened.  We've modeled a reality for him that is as far from the life I want him to emulate as possible.  As the oldest boy, he saw/sees and remembers so much.  I know he loves his mother but I also know he lost a lot of respect for me watching me accept the punishments that rained down over me throughout the years. 

I also had quite the wake up today.  For a decade and a half I was told repeatedly that the reason I was {insert abuse here} was because of something I did. I said or did something that made him so incredibly angry that he had to hurt me to make me stop.  It never occurred to me that he would hurt anyone else.  I was the reason he was abusive, not anyone or anything else.  Right before he left, there was an incident with our ten year old.  He broke a pen on military housing carpet.  I was not at home, having rented a tiny apartment and in the process of moving out.  Whatever he did to our son, no one would say, resulted in my 14 year old's frantic call to me to come rescue the younger boys.  My husband said he "spanked" our son for "deliberately" spilling ink on the floor.  A week later, I completely removed the stain with OxyClean and Resolve floor cleaner, took a picture and texted it to him.  My son took whatever punishment for nothing.

I do not know why I continued to believe that He was a good father, that his abuse is reserved solely for the lowly, miserable creature that I am.  I allowed Him to take the three youngest children to his mother's house for Thanksgiving.  While he was not abusive to them, His mother was concerned with the way the children acted to each other when they were around Him.

In an email, she said, "I have also spoken to him about letting the boys hit each other in really viscious ways. But (He) seems to think it's "macho". I realize kids fight and argue..but I saw more than that...(He)seems to think "gentleness" is unmanly..perhaps even "gay". God forbid one of your guys does turn out to be gay...

(He) would be hideously nasty!!I REALLY couldn't keep quiet about something like that."

The boys were really difficult when they came back from Thanksgiving but I wrote that off to traveling and the holidays and never once suspected that they were coming back from WWF Smackdowns and no rules.  They settled down within a few days and things were back to what is "normal" for us.  How do I teach my boys compassion and love their brothers when He counteracts with violence and hatred?

BTW, the oldest boys are in counseling and the counselor is acutely aware of what it means to be a member of our household.  I'm trying to do the right thing.