Same Ol' Song...Different Verse

Tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary to the violent dick.  I suppose it is fitting that I will spend this non-anniversary inside another courtroom fighting out yet another facet of the complicated, tedious divorce order.  I have not one, but check it out - THREE divorce orders.  Not content to simply get divorced, each meeting with attorneys and every court appearance were granted the weight and importance of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the solemnity and respect of a Jerry Springer episode. There will be entirely too much to mention, but I'll pinpoint the highlights.  Since the divorce, my ex:

  • Joined my battalion.  DELIBERATELY FOUND ME AND JOINED MY BATTALION.  Yeah, I'll let that one sink in for a moment...
  • Claimed my children for tax purposes causing the IRS to sue me for his fraud.  
  • Claimed my children for BAH insisting to DFAS I was stealing from the government.  
  • Failed to remove my name from bills and mortgages denying me the ability to purchase a home and ruining my credit.
  • Refused to sign a unit and battalion Commander approved Family Care Plan jeopardizing my military career and future and cutting short my time spent on AD.
There's a lot, lot more, but really, isn't the above enough?  Tomorrow I go to court to answer his charges.  Yes, his unfounded charges.  Years past the initial divorce and I am still answering his insanity because if he can pay an attorney, he can harass me legally.  I have almost given up understanding the why - I don't speak crazy and thank g-d, that I don't!  Unfortunately, 21 year old Me made a grievous mistake and an, ahem, much, much older Me must pay the price.  My fondest dream for this life is he will meet an equally mentally disturbed, female who will keep him so busy, he does not have time to stalk or harass me.  A girl can dream....

PostSecret Anniversary

Today, Frank posted a "Best Of" on the PostSecret webpage.  Guess what was on there?  Yep.  Our very own "Asshole" PS.  Its been quite a while since I had looked at the picture and seeing it today without warning affected more than I realized it would.  That postcard was a talisman for my own departure from my own asshole.  Not long after that card was posted, I took the picture of my own arm and decided the same - never again.  Through the long and arduous journey of leaving and divorcing that total douchebag, I reminded myself why leaving was so important by looking at her picture and mine.  I wasn't alone and we weren't staying.  May 1, 2013 marks the third year that I walked out, completely left that stinking pile of horse shit and never looked back.  It took another two years to get the divorce, but I left and at the time, that was the most important step. 

Wherever you are in your journey, take a look at the pictures in the sidebar, the PostSecret and mine and remind yourself that he is an asshole and you deserve to leave.  And do it. 

Grammy Sunday

Check this out - the only time I think about the time spent with the Asshat is when it's deliberately in my face, such as with Chris Brown on the Grammys.  Other than that, I'm finally back to tell you leaving a violent narcissist is possible.  I'm living proof.  Today, I don't even think about him killing me.  Leaving him was "not allowed" and I would have to pay for my betrayal.  But I didn't.  And I won't.  My children and I are free, happy and healthy.  A belated Happy New Year and Best Wishes!

It is Done

"Six:  I can slay a jabberwocky."

The divorce was signed June 15, 2011.  I wouldn't have minded waiting two more days for the poetic justice of having it signed on my 17th wedding anniversary, but hey, the judge's signature is the most important thing.  As a truly, deeply personality disordered person, I expect his narcissism to raise it's ugly head and engage in battle again.  But I have triumphed once and will continue to do so.  Eventually he will seek refill and supply elsewhere.  It is a very doable thing, Ladies.  Time to don your armour, conjure up your inner Alice, and slay your jabberwocky knowing you are never alone. 

Painting the Roses Red

Narcissists attract sycophants like poop attracts flies.  (Sorry, if you thought a sweet smelling rose analogy was coming.) It’s the simplistic way to state it and actually, it detracts from the forceful, magnetic symbiosis that occurs.  The narcissist cannot exist without his sycophant/s.  If a narcissist bitches and rages and there’s no sycophant to hear, does he exist?  Nope.  I've seen mine try to rage in the mirror.  Doesn't work.  Back to my point and I have one, the narcissist fuels his twisted self-view through the sycophant’s approval and compliance.  The sycophant receives inclusion, purpose, and connection in return hence the closed-loop symbiosis. 
In a perfect world (all the narcissists would be dead or incarcerated – heehee!), no seriously, the narcissists and sycophants would inhabit a world apart from the non-personality disordered and feed from each other.  Instead, they walk among us, most frighteningly, alongside our ex-husbands in the human form of their attorneys.  They will perjure themselves, opening themselves up to personal, civil cases and bar reviews.  They will walk into open court and repeat the lies of their client with no thought to protecting their own integrity.  Were my ex-husband an intelligent narcissist, he would have no need for a spokesman.  Instead, he remains the puppet master with a hand shoved so far up his attorney’s backside, I can  practically see him waving from his mouth.  In court, I have to refrain from giggling because the whole set up reminds me of The Letter People.  People my age will remember Mr. T for Taaaaahhhlll Teeth.  Yeah, his lawyer looks quite a lot like that and responds as a puppet might - no original thought, simply a mimic of his client. 
Today, my attorney and I both read in wonderment the responses crafted from his lawyer.  Essentially, they add up to this – well, we lied before, but we’re not lying now and we are going to spread lies and vileness about you both as everyone knows the best defense is a good offense.  I’m having that “Painting the Roses Red” moment from Disney’s Alice In Wonderland.  The actions are so incredibly ludicrous, how do you ever react? (See?  You knew if you waited you'd get the rose or Alice reference explanation.  Besides, a picture of flies on poop doesn't have the same je ne sais quois as our heroine, Alice, does it?  ;)

Narcissist Tuesday

Living with a narcissist, cultivating some of the less flattering traits isn't difficult.  Think of a gaggle of old women together talking about other old women, the insults fly fast and furious.  When the barrier is broken by the narcissist, no one is off limits and back biting can become a family event.  Developing empathy for the "poor, misunderstood" narcissist becomes one ineffective coping mechanism and defense.  Thankfully, mine beat every last bit of empathy out of me long, long ago, but some of the more pervasive bad habits remain.  Not only am I ultra critical of myself, I'm incredibly critical of others expecting, even demanding, Herculean efforts on their parts, none of which I wouldn't destroy my own self to produce, but unrealistic nonetheless.  Demanding perfection is part of my family culture.  Battle Cry of the Tiger Mother?  No, Tiger Mothers pale in comparison to Mormon Mothers. 

I've always believed my upbringing created in me an easy target for the narcissist.  Take one young girl who believes in an absolute patriarchal rule, add to her endless "Pursuit of Excellence," and weigh her down with childbirth and rearing in quick succession and you have the perfect mark for an evil man.  There's simply no time left in each day to consider something might be terribly, mentally wrong with your spouse because you are too hyper focused on what is fundamentally wrong with you.  Have you fallen to your knees first thing upon waking in the morning to pray?  Have you read your scriptures?  Have you prepared your lessons for church and visiting teaching?  Have you fed and dressed your children?  Have you properly prepared your husband for his full day of work?  Have you done your temple work, your genealogy?  Have you washed and canned and cooked and sewn and...and...and???

Long, very long and tedious, story short, I woke up one day, decided the church that told me to respect my husband, to pray for and serve the monster that molested me, was decidedly wrong and quit.  I quit the church.  I quit my marriage.  The only thing I didn't quit was my children, the truly blameless victims of this hideousness. 

So my gloomy, rainy Tuesday thoughts turn to narcissism as I contemplate my Big Day in court tomorrow with my personal, hellish N.  Wish me luck....

Know Your Enemy, Know Yourself

 It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.
- Sun Tzu 
The only way to conquer your narcissist ex is to know him.  No matter how much time you spent with him, you know this is not an easy task.  If it came out of his mouth or was written by his hand, it was a lie.  His actions were the only true insight into the real man.  Knowing your enemy is the most effective battle strategy. 
Few, if any of us, will be privy to any meaningful reason behind our abusers' rationales and motives.  Honestly, the reason why doesn't matter too much, does it?  Instead, we can rely on others for insight.  I don't know the back story, but I do know that Sam Vaknin defines himself a narcissist and interprets for us what is unbelievable and bewildering.  
From Sam's Facebook page:  "The most dangerous class of abusers is the paranoid-delusional.  If your ex is one of these, he is likely to:  
Believe you still love him (erotomania). 
Interpret everything you do or say -- even to 3rd parties -- as "hidden messages" addressed to him and professing your undying devotion (idea of reference).  My ex found my profile on a local social group.  He interpreted my public reservations with the private group (he must have joined under a fake profile) for parties, events and social nights out as invitations to him to join me and would show up unannounced in public venues as "coincidence."    
Confuse the physical with the emotional (regard sex as "proof" of love and be prone to rape you.  We call that "Tuesday."
Blame the failure of the relationship on you or on others -- social workers, your friends, your family, your children.  Check, check, and yes, check.  Currently, he has fixated on a friend of mine.  While the action is disturbing, he has created the story that were it not for my friend, I would be with him right this very minute.  That is so disrespectful of me and my wants and intellect.  
Seek to "remove" the obstacles to a "happy" and long relationship -- sometimes by resorting to violence (kidnapping or murdering the sources of frustration).  Ummm...yeah.  Working on preventing kidnapping and murder.  They're just not part of my five year plan.
Be very envious of your new found autonomy and try to sabotage it by reasserting his control over you (for instance, B&E your house, leave intrusive messages on your answering machine, follow you around and monitor your home."  Or my particular favorite, while you are on vacation over a thousand miles away, call and leave a voice mail screaming at the top of one's lungs profanity at the children and then state breathlessly that although he hasn't harmed the children, God he wants to.
Harm you (and sometimes himself) in a fit of indignation (and to punish you) if he feels that no renewed relationship is possible.  I do not have enough fingers or toes to tally the amount of threats of suicide.  I don't have enough cells in my entire body to calculate the amount of times there was violence directed at me.  
Develop persecutory delusions.  Perceive slights and insults where none are intended.  Become convinced that he is the center of a conspiracy to deny him (and you) happiness, to humiliate him, punish him, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, victimize or even murder him and so on.  Can't even begin to touch on this one.  Of course, everyone is out to get him.  He is HIM, the All Mighty.  Everyone wants to take him down for being Him, Glorious Him.  I cannot imagine living in this manner.  
Currently, my ex, my children's father, my abuser exemplifies the above description.  No, of course, that doesn't make me happy to point that out.  It saddens me as much as it sickens me.  I need the reminder because I am so close to happiness, so close to being rid of the life described in the last paragraph, that constant vigil of everyone after us - his work, his parents, my parents, even at times, our children.  I forget sometimes how horrid it was.  I need to be reminded how dangerous the situation remains until I am totally free.  Until then, I have only been granted probation, not a full pardon.  
Be safe!  Be happy!

(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 2 DVDs with 12 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: