How An Actual Survivor of DV Feels About the Rape-Is-A-Pre-Existing-Condition Fervor

There’s been a lot of angry posts popping up in my news feed stating unequivocally, rape victims will be denied coverage under the GOP’s healthcare proposal. Two questions – 1. Show me specifically in the AHCA where it states this. - 2. Where was your indignant outrage for rape victims prior to this?  I want to believe these people are well-meaning, but I can’t. These loud voices of the “resistance” are woefully misinformed and dangerously reckless. Obviously, these people have not read the AHCA and doubtful they ever read the ACA.  Under Obamacare, insurers were prohibited from charging higher premiums for those with pre-existing conditions. This provision remains in place today. If they had bothered to do any research at all, they would find that the amendment proposed by Rep. Tom MacArthur (R-NJ) states, “…nothing in this Act shall be construed as permitting health insurance carriers to discriminate in rates for health insurance coverage by gender.” The amendment proposed by Rep. Fred Upton (R-MI) specifically provides for people with pre-existing conditions the flexibility of selecting their own coverage without being priced out of the market. Both contain pretty clear wording that states under no circumstance can people be denied coverage because of a pre-existing condition. The best I can determine is the option for states to seek a waiver is what has caused all of the furor. Under the new healthcare act, the Obamacare era provision left in place can be waived IF a state requests a waiver and IF the waiver is granted. A state can request a waiver ONLY if it has implemented a risk-sharing or reinsurance provision. In the event a waiver is granted, no one may be charged a premium based on health status if they have maintained coverage. If they didn’t, the federal government has a plan for that. An additional $18 billion has been set aside for waiver seeking states to grant those with pre-existing conditions that did not maintain insurance coverage the ability to acquire affordable care. These amendments protect individuals with pre-existing conditions and decrease the likelihood of a gap in their health coverage. 

From where would this type of misinformation stem? The one constant I have found among the fear-mongering news articles is an interview with an attorney named Jody Neal-Post. She gave an account of her experience of being denied health insurance coverage in 2006 after divulging she has a history of domestic abuse. Which insurance companies denied her coverage was not stated nor were any documents provided denial of coverage or the reason/s given for denying coverage. I sincerely sympathize with Ms. Neal Post and her ex-spouse, but neither one of them would be denied health coverage under the AHCA simply for being victims of domestic violence.

Enough about domestic violence, let’s get on with rape. (If you are shocked and think I am not giving these serious issues the respect they are due, ask to see my medical records and then criticize if you dare.) Using rape victims as the rallying cry for your battle against the AHCA is not only a disgusting thing to do, it’s not even based in reality. All of this angry chatter “on behalf” of the victims causes harm, real, tangible harm. For many survivors, hearing about rape is triggering. Hearing about healthcare for rape victims is triggering. If this is a foreign concept, ask me to describe the cold, quiet, dehumanizing experience of having your body used as evidence collection. Triggering causes many rape victims to relive their assaults. Reliving the assault causes many victims to suffer, physically and mentally, suffer. For those of you white knights riding into AHCA battle on rape victims behalf, stop. Stop it. Right now, stop it. What you are doing is the very definition of terrorism – “the unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuit of political aims.” While you may want to argue the “unlawful” portion of the definition, can we agree that while not technically unlawful (unless a victim can’t take the daily reminders and blatant exploitation of his or her victimhood and kills his or herself) this behavior is decidedly immoral. The rape-is-a-pre-existing-condition camp is telling lies that are designed to influence the populous that the GOP healthcare plan harms rape victims and should be stopped. Terrorism.

While my mother insisted, it’s the thought that counts, in this case, it counts against you. You are not championing rape victims. By insuring victims receive the healthcare they are most likely already receiving with no threat to that care, you are perpetuating a lie. Want to help rape victims? Volunteer for RAINN or the Joyful Heart Foundation or NO MORE. Buy some feminine products and diapers and donate them to your local domestic violence shelter. And by all means, educate yourself! Read and understand what you’ve read before you pull your pink pussy hat out of your pocket and go to war for someone else. You have to stop commandeering the collective experiences of rape victims and using them for your own political gain. These experiences are not yours to use. They are not yours to exploit. I’d say shame on you, but your actions have shown you don’t know what shame feels like. 

Same Ol' Song...Different Verse

Tomorrow would have been my 20th wedding anniversary to the violent dick.  I suppose it is fitting that I will spend this non-anniversary inside another courtroom fighting out yet another facet of the complicated, tedious divorce order.  I have not one, but check it out - THREE divorce orders.  Not content to simply get divorced, each meeting with attorneys and every court appearance were granted the weight and importance of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and the solemnity and respect of a Jerry Springer episode. There will be entirely too much to mention, but I'll pinpoint the highlights.  Since the divorce, my ex:

  • Joined my battalion.  DELIBERATELY FOUND ME AND JOINED MY BATTALION.  Yeah, I'll let that one sink in for a moment...
  • Claimed my children for tax purposes causing the IRS to sue me for his fraud.  
  • Claimed my children for BAH insisting to DFAS I was stealing from the government.  
  • Failed to remove my name from bills and mortgages denying me the ability to purchase a home and ruining my credit.
  • Refused to sign a unit and battalion Commander approved Family Care Plan jeopardizing my military career and future and cutting short my time spent on AD.
There's a lot, lot more, but really, isn't the above enough?  Tomorrow I go to court to answer his charges.  Yes, his unfounded charges.  Years past the initial divorce and I am still answering his insanity because if he can pay an attorney, he can harass me legally.  I have almost given up understanding the why - I don't speak crazy and thank g-d, that I don't!  Unfortunately, 21 year old Me made a grievous mistake and an, ahem, much, much older Me must pay the price.  My fondest dream for this life is he will meet an equally mentally disturbed, female who will keep him so busy, he does not have time to stalk or harass me.  A girl can dream....

PostSecret Anniversary

Today, Frank posted a "Best Of" on the PostSecret webpage.  Guess what was on there?  Yep.  Our very own "Asshole" PS.  Its been quite a while since I had looked at the picture and seeing it today without warning affected more than I realized it would.  That postcard was a talisman for my own departure from my own asshole.  Not long after that card was posted, I took the picture of my own arm and decided the same - never again.  Through the long and arduous journey of leaving and divorcing that total douchebag, I reminded myself why leaving was so important by looking at her picture and mine.  I wasn't alone and we weren't staying.  May 1, 2013 marks the third year that I walked out, completely left that stinking pile of horse shit and never looked back.  It took another two years to get the divorce, but I left and at the time, that was the most important step. 

Wherever you are in your journey, take a look at the pictures in the sidebar, the PostSecret and mine and remind yourself that he is an asshole and you deserve to leave.  And do it. 

Grammy Sunday

Check this out - the only time I think about the time spent with the Asshat is when it's deliberately in my face, such as with Chris Brown on the Grammys.  Other than that, I'm finally back to tell you leaving a violent narcissist is possible.  I'm living proof.  Today, I don't even think about him killing me.  Leaving him was "not allowed" and I would have to pay for my betrayal.  But I didn't.  And I won't.  My children and I are free, happy and healthy.  A belated Happy New Year and Best Wishes!

It is Done

"Six:  I can slay a jabberwocky."

The divorce was signed June 15, 2011.  I wouldn't have minded waiting two more days for the poetic justice of having it signed on my 17th wedding anniversary, but hey, the judge's signature is the most important thing.  As a truly, deeply personality disordered person, I expect his narcissism to raise it's ugly head and engage in battle again.  But I have triumphed once and will continue to do so.  Eventually he will seek refill and supply elsewhere.  It is a very doable thing, Ladies.  Time to don your armour, conjure up your inner Alice, and slay your jabberwocky knowing you are never alone. 

Painting the Roses Red

Narcissists attract sycophants like poop attracts flies.  (Sorry, if you thought a sweet smelling rose analogy was coming.) It’s the simplistic way to state it and actually, it detracts from the forceful, magnetic symbiosis that occurs.  The narcissist cannot exist without his sycophant/s.  If a narcissist bitches and rages and there’s no sycophant to hear, does he exist?  Nope.  I've seen mine try to rage in the mirror.  Doesn't work.  Back to my point and I have one, the narcissist fuels his twisted self-view through the sycophant’s approval and compliance.  The sycophant receives inclusion, purpose, and connection in return hence the closed-loop symbiosis. 
In a perfect world (all the narcissists would be dead or incarcerated – heehee!), no seriously, the narcissists and sycophants would inhabit a world apart from the non-personality disordered and feed from each other.  Instead, they walk among us, most frighteningly, alongside our ex-husbands in the human form of their attorneys.  They will perjure themselves, opening themselves up to personal, civil cases and bar reviews.  They will walk into open court and repeat the lies of their client with no thought to protecting their own integrity.  Were my ex-husband an intelligent narcissist, he would have no need for a spokesman.  Instead, he remains the puppet master with a hand shoved so far up his attorney’s backside, I can  practically see him waving from his mouth.  In court, I have to refrain from giggling because the whole set up reminds me of The Letter People.  People my age will remember Mr. T for Taaaaahhhlll Teeth.  Yeah, his lawyer looks quite a lot like that and responds as a puppet might - no original thought, simply a mimic of his client. 
Today, my attorney and I both read in wonderment the responses crafted from his lawyer.  Essentially, they add up to this – well, we lied before, but we’re not lying now and we are going to spread lies and vileness about you both as everyone knows the best defense is a good offense.  I’m having that “Painting the Roses Red” moment from Disney’s Alice In Wonderland.  The actions are so incredibly ludicrous, how do you ever react? (See?  You knew if you waited you'd get the rose or Alice reference explanation.  Besides, a picture of flies on poop doesn't have the same je ne sais quois as our heroine, Alice, does it?  ;)

Narcissist Tuesday

Living with a narcissist, cultivating some of the less flattering traits isn't difficult.  Think of a gaggle of old women together talking about other old women, the insults fly fast and furious.  When the barrier is broken by the narcissist, no one is off limits and back biting can become a family event.  Developing empathy for the "poor, misunderstood" narcissist becomes one ineffective coping mechanism and defense.  Thankfully, mine beat every last bit of empathy out of me long, long ago, but some of the more pervasive bad habits remain.  Not only am I ultra critical of myself, I'm incredibly critical of others expecting, even demanding, Herculean efforts on their parts, none of which I wouldn't destroy my own self to produce, but unrealistic nonetheless.  Demanding perfection is part of my family culture.  Battle Cry of the Tiger Mother?  No, Tiger Mothers pale in comparison to Mormon Mothers. 

I've always believed my upbringing created in me an easy target for the narcissist.  Take one young girl who believes in an absolute patriarchal rule, add to her endless "Pursuit of Excellence," and weigh her down with childbirth and rearing in quick succession and you have the perfect mark for an evil man.  There's simply no time left in each day to consider something might be terribly, mentally wrong with your spouse because you are too hyper focused on what is fundamentally wrong with you.  Have you fallen to your knees first thing upon waking in the morning to pray?  Have you read your scriptures?  Have you prepared your lessons for church and visiting teaching?  Have you fed and dressed your children?  Have you properly prepared your husband for his full day of work?  Have you done your temple work, your genealogy?  Have you washed and canned and cooked and sewn and...and...and???

Long, very long and tedious, story short, I woke up one day, decided the church that told me to respect my husband, to pray for and serve the monster that molested me, was decidedly wrong and quit.  I quit the church.  I quit my marriage.  The only thing I didn't quit was my children, the truly blameless victims of this hideousness. 

So my gloomy, rainy Tuesday thoughts turn to narcissism as I contemplate my Big Day in court tomorrow with my personal, hellish N.  Wish me luck....