The Wild Beast Test

I was struck with a bit of ironic humor this week. My “pet” name for my husband has been mostly, The Beast, as most of his acts are inhumane. The irony of the history of his main legal defense does not escape my notice. As our current legal system is based on that of old England’s, so is the modern insanity plea. In 1723, a British justice established the “Wild Beast Test” on which our modern insanity plea is loosely based. The test states, “to be exempt from punishment: it must be a man that is totally deprived of his understanding and memory, and doth not know what he is doing, no more than an infant, than a brute, or a wild beast, such a one is never the object of punishment.”

My Beast has decided to hang his future on his being a brute, a wild beast, not conscious of what he is doing, not capable of moral right and wrong. But you and I know this is simply not true. Just today, he chose to violate both the civil protective order and the military protective order. Sure, he can say he is starkers and doesn’t know what he is doing, but he knows exactly what he is doing. He was manipulative and cunning. His words to me were carefully crafted to draw me in. He wanted to discuss my future, my children’s future, his ability to provide healthcare and financial support. That was the last of us; then the conversation turned solely to him. He wanted to tell me how poorly he was doing, how much money the lawyers were costing him, how his job was affected…. And all the while he has been throwing me under the bus to save himself, going after me in civilian divorce court to make himself look better, like the more fit parent.

When I brought up the neighbors that he had drawn into his web and had convinced to take pictures of me, my house, and my visitors, to third-party stalk me, he denied any culpability. He stated the neighbors were harassing me of their own accord. When I pointed out the sheer ludicrousness of that statement, he then said the attorneys must have asked the neighbors the spy on me. Always an answer and always a deflection away from him, he will never accept blame. Currently, he is upset that he may actually do time for assault. He cannot fathom why this would occur. You or I can grasp that if we beat someone, we may go to jail. This concept is above his understanding. I forget the basic tenet of talking to a narcissist – he is perpetually five years old.

Today, my teeth did not chatter. My hands did not shake. I saw him today. Really saw him. He is not the omnipotent god that ruled my life and my house for almost 16 years. He is a man. He pulled up his uniform and undershirt to show me how much weight he has lost, 42 pounds he kept parroting, and I was confronted with the sight of his bare skin. His body was foreign to me. He is an old man I once knew many years ag, as foreign to me now as the playgrounds of my childhood, just a memory of something I had lived through, had endured. Whatever hold he once had on me has been completely severed. I don’t think he has realized this yet. If he had, he would have tantrumed. When he does, he will strike out; punish me as the narcissist does. How dare she not want ME? I am ready. It is just noise from someone I do not know.