BLISTER MAN - The Human Herpe

This past weekend was the last one I will ever waste on the beast. The more knowledge I gain about his disease, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and mine, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the more empowered I become. Information: just the thing an N fears. Narcissists are not the sweet, but cautionary Greek myth, lovely Narcissis lounging by the lake. Narcissists are dark and evil because they know the difference between good and bad, wrong and right. They are entirely fear-driven and motivated choosing to act as they do. The simply have to as their entire psyche depends on their devaluing and destroying another person to feed off of their talents, time, and energy. Without this psychic feeding, the N will wither and die.

Lacking any true human feelings, there is no love, no understanding, no empathy, sympathy, or compassion, only fear; Ns must feed off of us blessedly, normal folks. There is one primary source of nutrition for an N, usually his partner, and prior to that, always his family of origin. In the absence of a regular primary source, the public become targets. Ns can sustain themselves through extreme interactions with others.  For example, causing a fight in a bar would sustain an N with enough powerful, negative energy till the primary source returns. Causing bar fights over imagined slights and creating long distance, telephonic drama with an exgirlfriend/source sustained my N until he became my symbiote. The process is quite simplistic. Think of amebas in high school, science lab squishing their way over food and ingesting it. Like that, an N will need to feed, will suckle on their primary source absorbing positive or negative energy and emotions. N doesn’t care because N doesn’t feel. All N knows is that you feel SOMETHING for him and he wants it. In the last years of our marriage, N thrived off of my revulsion and disgust for him. Love, disgust, hatred, the emotions and energy are all the same to an N. They are all food.

What I have learned from the valuable resources on the web, have freed me. Even though N is not living with me, we live in the same, small area. He insists on contact even though there are civilian and military protective orders in place. He HAS to make contact. I am his source. He needs to feed. Right now, he can gain adoration and attention from the lower enlisteds living near him. If they are naïve or not astute enough to see through his shell, those 19 or 20 year olds will listen raptly and provide him with an appetizer. His mother, his lawyer, and frequent run-ins at work will also provide him with a chance to graze. But they are not enough. N will continue to return to the blood source, his supply, and his drug.

It is my job to cut him off. I have recently signed a No Contact Contract http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f15.t140#post252  with myself. Even though there are court orders in place guaranteeing no contact, I’ve seen how effective those have been. Just last week, the fact that he had a minion spying on me, driving past my home, reporting to him, was brought to my attention. Third party stalking, I think he invented a new felony. My job is to now see him for what he is: a horrid outbreak, a wizened, little leaf on the Derek Jeter Herpes Tree, an insignificant virus.

Plenty of people have herpes. Sucks, I’m certain! I’ve had a cold sore; I don’t want to imagine what the other strain of the virus feels like. But it is only a virus. It’s not AIDS, not even HIV. It’s not even the Big C. It’s a pesky, minor virus that pops up when you are worn down and least expect it. Sure, you have to deal with it and it’s a pain in the butt, quite literally, but you will survive!  The length and strength of the outbreak can be contained by use of an antiviral. Those people, who are prepared, knowing an outbreak is always imminent, suffer the least. I can arm myself with my own antivirals: my lawyers, organized documentation and records.

Lying in bed, engulfed in my own pity party, frightened by not knowing when the next outbreak (contact) will occur is a pointless waste of time. The N’s goal is to paralyze his victims so he can create panic and chaos on which to feed.  Today, I refuse to let my ‘virus’, this blister on the butt of humanity, keep me from living. Until my last child turns 18, I can expect frequent outbreaks. There is nothing I can do to control them. I will not waste precious time or energy thinking I have power over this. I am armed with antivirals. When the next outbreak occurs, I will insulate myself from it and let them do their job.