Courage in a Cup

My best friend pointed out to me yesterday that I am not living; I'm constantly preparing.  I'm on high alert status, ever watchful for the next attack by the Jabberwocky.  I explained that my mindfulness of the danger is my way of being prepared.  If I can critically analyze his actions and words, I can estimate where and when the next attack will occur.  But as my friend pointed out, that is not living.  That is fearing.  I am fearful of what he might do, of what he can do.  I'm not fearful of what he did.  That damage is done and the repercussions long to overcome. 

Recently, in a daily email I receive, was this quote by Sir Richard Bowlby, "There are two types of fear: the absence of safety and the presence of danger."  During my marriage, I experienced both types of fear as I lived in the absence of safety and in the constant presence of danger.  The only safety could be found during deployments and TDYs.  I grew accustomed to life in a hypervigilant, Code Red status, ever fearful and aware that an attack was imminent.   

The worst occured when your guard was dropped, even for a moment.  He was quick to sense and strike at those moments of weakness.  Those were the only times that could be predicted and those were the times that were least expected.  Better to be alert, than to be caught unawares.  Now that I am separated and protected by the courts from his presence, I find myself  in a state of near-panic, waiting for the next assault.  He is coming at me through the court systems.  His most recent physical assault failed resulting in less than desirable repercussions for him.  He strikes out at me legally, by proxy, through his lawyer.  He wants custody, he wants me to take on more debt, he wants, he wants....He Wants....HE WANTS!  But that was a common refrain from our marriage, one to which I should be immune. 

This week, rather than "reading the tea leaves", trying to devine some sort of guesstimate to where his next attack will form, I'm going to focus on actual fear, fear in the presence of real, imminent danger.  Shark attacks, lightening strikes, 'gator bites, airplane collisions, while all real and dangerous threats, they are not a threat to me at this time.  Just like the Jabberwocky.  I am relegating him to the shark bite/mountain lion group.  While scary to contemplate, not a real threat at the moment.

To remind myself, I've ordered the Six Impossible Things coffee mug.  I don't know how many of you read with me, but if you do and happen to order it too, when you have your morning coffee, think of your six impossible things:

1.  Real men don't hit women.
2.  Children don't need both parents, especially if one is violent.
3.  Mommies can survive financially on their own.
4.  There are people who want me to succeed.
5.  I have worth.
6.  I can slay the Jabberwocky.