"I have lived through this horror."

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do.      -Eleanor Roosevelt

I have lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), I can predict my personal horror.  Thanks to our temporary custody agreement, I know that I will have to deal with It all of Tuesday as he has the children every Tuesday for a dinner visit and every other week starting on Wednesday leading up to his pick up of the children Friday night.  It doesn't like set schedules what he perceives as being told what to do.  Everything must be negotiated and battled to death as the narcissist feeds and thrives on negative (any) interaction.  It's being denied a pick up at 4pm becomes the basis for a week of repression and discrimination as the entire world is out to get It.  Fortunately, these tantrums are predictable. I even got the bonus plan this weekend.  It called me during the children's allotted time so I would answer and proceeded to scream at me and hurl all the accusations and abuse It's been denied.  Here's the key, I cannot change my situation, but I can change how I view it. 

It's attorney is threatening me with a 'motion to compel,' because I haven't completed the interrogatories.  I do as much as I can, when I can.  Writing answers to questions about rape and abuse is not therapeutic nor healing for me.  Instead, I am revictimized and traumatized in every attempt.  The nightmares are back; haven't slept well in two weeks.  The worst PTSD symptom is being on extreme alert.  Every car honk, backfire, knock at the door sends me into an internal, ephinephric frenzy.  I know that completing these questions brings me one step closer to divorce, one step closer to eliminating a large chunk of his presence from my life.  It thrives on the divorce process seeing it for what it truly is, a way and means to punish me.  I'll finish my writing here and open the interrogatory and write as much as I can for today.