The Zen of It

The way I see it, no one should stay in a marriage with someone who makes them "less." No one should stay if they are being abused, in any way. Better to suffer a divorce than suffer a life of Less Than. I was scared to leave. Early on in our marriage, It told me if I left, he would find me and kill me and raise our infant son with his "real soul mate, Shawn" (female, not male).  The threats evolved over the years. What I failed to notice is the threats changed in relation to my personal change. The stronger, more self assured I became, the lesser the threat. He was shrinking, but I had been so conditioned with the fear and pain of abuse that I could not see. After death and dismemberment, his plan was to take our son and run away so I would never see him again.  And of course, let's all chime in....be raised by his "real soul mate, Shawn."  Uh, please to explain?  If I'm in bits and pieces, I think "seeing" anything is the least of my problems.  As usual, these were not well thought out plans. 

We played out various incarnations of "If You Leave Me I'll...." throughout the 16 year shit storm that was our marriage. If any of you are staying in relationships because of It's threats, let me share with you where we are now. The constant threat is "If you divorce me, I'll file for joint custody!" Wow. After chopping me up in little pieces and dropping me in the Rio Grande, that's all ya got? When I am mired in the tedious divorce proceedings that I little understand, I remember the early threats and have to smile. Bullies are bullies are bullies. They are not original. It's threats are as meaningful as a two year old holding his breath for an ice cream cone at McDonald's. Now when the illegal phone calls, voice mails, and texts are pouring in, when I have to legally give in to It's convoluted, complicated, ever changing visitation demands, I simply take a deep breath and remember that It’s threats are negotiable. It cannot follow me inside myself, to where I am strong and whole. Life without It – the truest state of Zen, a heaven on earth.

Wicked It.  "My threats are melting....melting...."