"You can't let your past
hold your future hostage."
Yes, the ladies do love Cool James....but only for his mind. Remember to breathe. Have a Great Thursday!
Thought of the Day!
Today's Thought of the Day is brought to you by the Letters L and J. A highschooler in the eighties, I will now pass along the wisdom gained from the iconic and abtastic, L.L. Cool J.
For Every Action....
I've enjoyed a lull in contact (a week at least). It made the normal attempts at conversations during court ordered interactions, but for the most part, I was left alone. And then It found my address. And home phone number. It can't help itself. The personality disturbed feed from those who were in it's control and weaning is difficult. When I am frustrated and feel like giving up, I think of him as a big, ass baby who was allowed a bottle for fifteen years. He's not going to give it up without a fight. And I, like any responsible parent, must take away this inappropriate source.
The strategy is clear. I must avoid all contact with It. This isn't easy as we share children. Thankfully, most of the interaction can be done through attorneys. Speaking of, girlfriend to girlfriend, that stupid ass got about 20K as a parting gift from the Army and is bleeding through it like my period on aspirin. I knew this "gift" would mean more court appearances. The Beast looooves his day in court. It appears that I'm being taken to court to discuss Christmas visitation. I'm dressing up for the occasion and taking eggnog in a thermos. There's no reason these frequent court appearances have to be dour occasions.
I digress....what I am attempting to blog is my new found strategy for dealing with beastly eruptions. He rails. He threatens. He condemns. He accuses. It's a round robin of the same old story - I'm a whore. I'm crazy. I'm a drug addict. I'm abusive. We circle through the accusations like we're weaving a square on the dance floor at an old fashioned hoe-down but without the Norman Rockwell innocence. He's not unique. There's nothing new about these accusations. They are as old as the concept of divorce. Men with disorders such as his use the same Big Four accusations in court. There really should be a form as it would make the judge's work so much easier. Whore? Check yes or no. Drug Addict? Check yes or no.... My best guess, as each of these has been proven unfounded, is that I might suddenly slip and become one of the Big Four? Is that what we're hoping? Like his accusations, Beast erupts regularly.
Before, I reacted. Fight or flight. The rush of adrenaline clouded my judgement and I reacted rather than formed a plan. That is what the narcissist needs.
"When and if you react in anger at the N (narcissist) you are also playing their game. They want a reaction from you. Ignoring them, or completely shutting them out is one tactic they hate (think spoiled child). If they have harmed you in some way, in your professional or personal life, you may find it difficult to forgive them. Why should you? You will be hurting yourself again if you do forgive them," (Narcissism 101, para. 8).
We will discuss why forgiveness is totally unnecessary in another post. Right now, let's get on with reaction. Peace. The Beast covets it because it cannot ever have it and cannot understand it. Instinctively, It knows that given a measure of peace, I can regroup and logically and systematically tear apart his incessant lies. That's also the reason It wouldn't let me sleep. It's primary goal in life was to keep me unsettled and ill at ease making his attacks all the more successful.
Time is the enemy. Beast and his lawyer want answers RIGHT NOW! They change visitations up to the last minutes, alter the times of appointments and court dates, and play the "I didn't say that" game. Time is the kryptonite, the Vorpol Sword, the Excalibur. But do you have any idea how hard it is to not react??? Accusations fly. The lawyer makes demands and follow ups with an I'll-See-You-In-Court if I don't produce certain documents immediately, threats abound. Somewhere, without any fanfare, Beast's lawyer became an extension of him and therefore, my abuser by proxy. To the two of them, I have learned to say nothing. This is so hard! For those of you who are thoughtful, introspective people, I'm so in awe. But those of you who have absolutely no "poker face," whose every emotion is revealed with the expressions on their faces, for those of you who leap and then look, for those of you like me, you know how difficult this thoughtful introspection is.
Today, when It talks to me, I will not react. Tomorrow, when It calls me on my unlisted number to show me It knows, I will not react. Later this week, when It stalks my home, I will not react. (Okay, I'm probably going to call the police on that one, but personally, I'm not reacting. Not my job. Let the police handle it.) When It follows my car, same as the first verse. Serenity and Inner Peace NOW!
Narcissism 101. (n.d.) Do you forgive a mad dog? From http://www.narcissism101.com/CopingwithNarcissists/forgivenessforna.html
The strategy is clear. I must avoid all contact with It. This isn't easy as we share children. Thankfully, most of the interaction can be done through attorneys. Speaking of, girlfriend to girlfriend, that stupid ass got about 20K as a parting gift from the Army and is bleeding through it like my period on aspirin. I knew this "gift" would mean more court appearances. The Beast looooves his day in court. It appears that I'm being taken to court to discuss Christmas visitation. I'm dressing up for the occasion and taking eggnog in a thermos. There's no reason these frequent court appearances have to be dour occasions.
I digress....what I am attempting to blog is my new found strategy for dealing with beastly eruptions. He rails. He threatens. He condemns. He accuses. It's a round robin of the same old story - I'm a whore. I'm crazy. I'm a drug addict. I'm abusive. We circle through the accusations like we're weaving a square on the dance floor at an old fashioned hoe-down but without the Norman Rockwell innocence. He's not unique. There's nothing new about these accusations. They are as old as the concept of divorce. Men with disorders such as his use the same Big Four accusations in court. There really should be a form as it would make the judge's work so much easier. Whore? Check yes or no. Drug Addict? Check yes or no.... My best guess, as each of these has been proven unfounded, is that I might suddenly slip and become one of the Big Four? Is that what we're hoping? Like his accusations, Beast erupts regularly.
Before, I reacted. Fight or flight. The rush of adrenaline clouded my judgement and I reacted rather than formed a plan. That is what the narcissist needs.
Neurons reacting
"When and if you react in anger at the N (narcissist) you are also playing their game. They want a reaction from you. Ignoring them, or completely shutting them out is one tactic they hate (think spoiled child). If they have harmed you in some way, in your professional or personal life, you may find it difficult to forgive them. Why should you? You will be hurting yourself again if you do forgive them," (Narcissism 101, para. 8).
We will discuss why forgiveness is totally unnecessary in another post. Right now, let's get on with reaction. Peace. The Beast covets it because it cannot ever have it and cannot understand it. Instinctively, It knows that given a measure of peace, I can regroup and logically and systematically tear apart his incessant lies. That's also the reason It wouldn't let me sleep. It's primary goal in life was to keep me unsettled and ill at ease making his attacks all the more successful.
Time is the enemy. Beast and his lawyer want answers RIGHT NOW! They change visitations up to the last minutes, alter the times of appointments and court dates, and play the "I didn't say that" game. Time is the kryptonite, the Vorpol Sword, the Excalibur. But do you have any idea how hard it is to not react??? Accusations fly. The lawyer makes demands and follow ups with an I'll-See-You-In-Court if I don't produce certain documents immediately, threats abound. Somewhere, without any fanfare, Beast's lawyer became an extension of him and therefore, my abuser by proxy. To the two of them, I have learned to say nothing. This is so hard! For those of you who are thoughtful, introspective people, I'm so in awe. But those of you who have absolutely no "poker face," whose every emotion is revealed with the expressions on their faces, for those of you who leap and then look, for those of you like me, you know how difficult this thoughtful introspection is.
Today, when It talks to me, I will not react. Tomorrow, when It calls me on my unlisted number to show me It knows, I will not react. Later this week, when It stalks my home, I will not react. (Okay, I'm probably going to call the police on that one, but personally, I'm not reacting. Not my job. Let the police handle it.) When It follows my car, same as the first verse. Serenity and Inner Peace NOW!
"Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
---Victor Frankl
(Victor was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a
Holocaust survivor.)
Narcissism 101. (n.d.) Do you forgive a mad dog? From http://www.narcissism101.com/CopingwithNarcissists/forgivenessforna.html
Wild Things
The nightmares are back. Maybe it was seeing the domestic violence awareness placards positioned at the gate on my way work, daily reminders of the way things were. Maybe it was receiving copies of the hospital records documenting the fractures in my hip and pubic symphysis from my "fall" down "stairs" in our one story home. Maybe it was seeing him daily at the boys' soccer practices and games, having him park his car next to mine, sit behind me on the bleachers, eavesdrop on my conversations with the other soccer moms because the protective order does not state a distance he must maintain. Does the reason matter? The results are the same. The minute I fall asleep, that drifting, peaceful place in between conscious and subconscious, I am jerked upright by an unbidden memory. I don't recall that I was even asleep, and blissfully, I do not the recall the horror that has ripped me out of semi-consciousness.
This monstrous, half-place is like a train diverted. I had expected to arrive in peaceful slumber and instead I am in a horrific place where my subconscious tries to bring to the surface the memories that I cannot, that I refuse to give voice. Instead, they howl and clash in my dreams. "Said the Wild Things, 'I'll eat you up!'" In the morning, I am tired with the lingering dread of something not quite right with the world.
And then I am angry. Angrier than angry. Furious. Angry at It for taking 16 years of my life and continuing to eat away at the time I have left. Angrier with me for giving those years away. With the anger comes embarrassment. How dare I feel sorry for myself when I have managed to escape, have broken the cycle with my children?
Being a "victim" sucks.
This monstrous, half-place is like a train diverted. I had expected to arrive in peaceful slumber and instead I am in a horrific place where my subconscious tries to bring to the surface the memories that I cannot, that I refuse to give voice. Instead, they howl and clash in my dreams. "Said the Wild Things, 'I'll eat you up!'" In the morning, I am tired with the lingering dread of something not quite right with the world.
And then I am angry. Angrier than angry. Furious. Angry at It for taking 16 years of my life and continuing to eat away at the time I have left. Angrier with me for giving those years away. With the anger comes embarrassment. How dare I feel sorry for myself when I have managed to escape, have broken the cycle with my children?
Being a "victim" sucks.
Love Shouldn't Hurt
October is my birth month. It is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. All over the base, signs lettered in my favorite color, purple, announce this. I almost grin at how quickly he must dismiss them as he drives past. Domestic violence does not exist for him. The fury and violence I endured was of my own making. I forced him to react so violently. He is a "calm and peaceful man." He would never do those things if I hadn't made him. I do not know if he truly believes this or if deep down, in some tiny portion of his soul, there is an inkling of self awareness that tells him what he already knows. He is a very, very sick and damaged and bad man. Does he know? Would he care? Who knows??? Not my fight, except to prevent his imprinting on those beautiful, innocent children we share.
Recently, I found the following bit of prose on another survivor's page and I want to share it here with you. I have almost memorized it and have incorporated parts of it into my daily meditation. There is a healing in these words and I am grateful to the anonymous author.
Recently, I found the following bit of prose on another survivor's page and I want to share it here with you. I have almost memorized it and have incorporated parts of it into my daily meditation. There is a healing in these words and I am grateful to the anonymous author.
"It's not about 'justice'
Or the 'principle of it,'
So I will not react.
To do so wouldn't serve
My purpose.
I've done what I had to do and
I will do what I must
Because they asked me
To keep them safe and
I promised I would.
It was never for revenge
Against him.
It's not all about him;
It never was
And it never will be.
Nor is it about me.
It's about them
And always will be.
Love should not Hurt!"
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