For Every Action....

I've enjoyed a lull in contact (a week at least).  It made the normal attempts at conversations during court ordered interactions, but for the most part, I was left alone.  And then It found my address.  And home phone number.  It can't help itself.  The personality disturbed feed from those who were in it's control and weaning is difficult.  When I am frustrated and feel like giving up, I think of him as a big, ass baby who was allowed a bottle for fifteen years.  He's not going to give it up without a fight.  And I, like any responsible parent, must take away this inappropriate source.

The strategy is clear.  I must avoid all contact with It.  This isn't easy as we share children.  Thankfully, most of the interaction can be done through attorneys.  Speaking of, girlfriend to girlfriend, that stupid ass got about 20K as a parting gift from the Army and is bleeding through it like my period on aspirin.  I knew this "gift" would mean more court appearances.  The Beast looooves his day in court.  It appears that I'm being taken to court to discuss Christmas visitation.  I'm dressing up for the occasion and taking eggnog in a thermos.  There's no reason these frequent court appearances have to be dour occasions. 

I digress....what I am attempting to blog is my new found strategy for dealing with beastly eruptions.  He rails.  He threatens.  He condemns.  He accuses.  It's a round robin of the same old story - I'm a whore.  I'm crazy.  I'm a drug addict.  I'm abusive.  We circle through the accusations like we're weaving a square on the dance floor at an old fashioned hoe-down but without the Norman Rockwell innocence.  He's not unique.  There's nothing new about these accusations.   They are as old as the concept of divorce.  Men with disorders such as his use the same Big Four accusations in court.  There really should be a form as it would make the judge's work so much easier.  Whore?  Check yes or no.  Drug Addict?  Check yes or no....  My best guess, as each of these has been proven unfounded, is that I might suddenly slip and become one of the Big Four?  Is that what we're hoping?  Like his accusations, Beast erupts regularly.

Before, I reacted.  Fight or flight.  The rush of adrenaline clouded my judgement and I reacted rather than formed a plan.  That is what the narcissist needs.

Neurons reacting

"When and if you react in anger at the N (narcissist) you are also playing their game. They want a reaction from you. Ignoring them, or completely shutting them out is one tactic they hate (think spoiled child). If they have harmed you in some way, in your professional or personal life, you may find it difficult to forgive them. Why should you? You will be hurting yourself again if you do forgive them," (Narcissism 101, para. 8).

We will discuss why forgiveness is totally unnecessary in another post.  Right now, let's get on with reaction.  Peace.  The Beast covets it because it cannot ever have it and cannot understand it.  Instinctively, It knows that given a measure of peace, I can regroup and logically and systematically tear apart his incessant lies.  That's also the reason It wouldn't let me sleep.  It's primary goal in life was to keep me unsettled and ill at ease making his attacks all the more successful. 

Time is the enemy.  Beast and his lawyer want answers RIGHT NOW!  They change visitations up to the last minutes, alter the times of appointments and court dates, and play the "I didn't say that" game.  Time is the kryptonite, the Vorpol Sword, the Excalibur.  But do you have any idea how hard it is to not react???  Accusations fly.  The lawyer makes demands and follow ups with an I'll-See-You-In-Court if I don't produce certain documents immediately, threats abound.  Somewhere, without any fanfare, Beast's lawyer became an extension of him and therefore, my abuser by proxy.  To the two of them, I have learned to say nothing.  This is so hard!  For those of you who are thoughtful, introspective people, I'm so in awe.  But those of you who have absolutely no "poker face," whose every emotion is revealed with the expressions on their faces, for those of you who leap and then look, for those of you like me, you know how difficult this thoughtful introspection is. 

Today, when It talks to me, I will not react.  Tomorrow, when It calls me on my unlisted number to show me It knows, I will not react.  Later this week, when It stalks my home, I will not react.  (Okay, I'm probably going to call the police on that one, but personally, I'm not reacting.  Not my job.  Let the police handle it.)  When It follows my car, same as the first verse.  Serenity and Inner Peace NOW!

"Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

                               ---Victor Frankl

(Victor was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a

Holocaust survivor.)

Narcissism 101.  (n.d.)  Do you forgive a mad dog?  From http://www.narcissism101.com/CopingwithNarcissists/forgivenessforna.html