"I have lived through this horror."

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do.      -Eleanor Roosevelt

I have lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), I can predict my personal horror.  Thanks to our temporary custody agreement, I know that I will have to deal with It all of Tuesday as he has the children every Tuesday for a dinner visit and every other week starting on Wednesday leading up to his pick up of the children Friday night.  It doesn't like set schedules what he perceives as being told what to do.  Everything must be negotiated and battled to death as the narcissist feeds and thrives on negative (any) interaction.  It's being denied a pick up at 4pm becomes the basis for a week of repression and discrimination as the entire world is out to get It.  Fortunately, these tantrums are predictable. I even got the bonus plan this weekend.  It called me during the children's allotted time so I would answer and proceeded to scream at me and hurl all the accusations and abuse It's been denied.  Here's the key, I cannot change my situation, but I can change how I view it. 

It's attorney is threatening me with a 'motion to compel,' because I haven't completed the interrogatories.  I do as much as I can, when I can.  Writing answers to questions about rape and abuse is not therapeutic nor healing for me.  Instead, I am revictimized and traumatized in every attempt.  The nightmares are back; haven't slept well in two weeks.  The worst PTSD symptom is being on extreme alert.  Every car honk, backfire, knock at the door sends me into an internal, ephinephric frenzy.  I know that completing these questions brings me one step closer to divorce, one step closer to eliminating a large chunk of his presence from my life.  It thrives on the divorce process seeing it for what it truly is, a way and means to punish me.  I'll finish my writing here and open the interrogatory and write as much as I can for today.

The Zen of It

The way I see it, no one should stay in a marriage with someone who makes them "less." No one should stay if they are being abused, in any way. Better to suffer a divorce than suffer a life of Less Than. I was scared to leave. Early on in our marriage, It told me if I left, he would find me and kill me and raise our infant son with his "real soul mate, Shawn" (female, not male).  The threats evolved over the years. What I failed to notice is the threats changed in relation to my personal change. The stronger, more self assured I became, the lesser the threat. He was shrinking, but I had been so conditioned with the fear and pain of abuse that I could not see. After death and dismemberment, his plan was to take our son and run away so I would never see him again.  And of course, let's all chime in....be raised by his "real soul mate, Shawn."  Uh, please to explain?  If I'm in bits and pieces, I think "seeing" anything is the least of my problems.  As usual, these were not well thought out plans. 

We played out various incarnations of "If You Leave Me I'll...." throughout the 16 year shit storm that was our marriage. If any of you are staying in relationships because of It's threats, let me share with you where we are now. The constant threat is "If you divorce me, I'll file for joint custody!" Wow. After chopping me up in little pieces and dropping me in the Rio Grande, that's all ya got? When I am mired in the tedious divorce proceedings that I little understand, I remember the early threats and have to smile. Bullies are bullies are bullies. They are not original. It's threats are as meaningful as a two year old holding his breath for an ice cream cone at McDonald's. Now when the illegal phone calls, voice mails, and texts are pouring in, when I have to legally give in to It's convoluted, complicated, ever changing visitation demands, I simply take a deep breath and remember that It’s threats are negotiable. It cannot follow me inside myself, to where I am strong and whole. Life without It – the truest state of Zen, a heaven on earth.

Wicked It.  "My threats are melting....melting...."