I am ashamed of how I reacted when Beast broke into my house that Wednesday. I was practically catatonic, still as a rabbit, those silly rabbits that sit quivering in the wet grass praying they have blended in and that you'll walk by. I used to smile at the antics of those bunnies, giving themselves away with their panicked breathing, thinking they were disguised. Not anymore. Like the stupid bunnies, I remained motionless at the beginning of his onslaught. I didn't help my friend, my son. When I had to fight back, I did so with barely an effort. I fell back into our well-worn pattern of acceptance. Better to give in and accept my punishment than risk getting hurt worse for resisting. For the first time, I believed the counselors. I do have PTSD. There's no other excuse for the inaction, the complete withdrawal and shock I underwent during and after the situation.
I am still missing chunks of emotions, unable to react appropriately to those I love. I don't even bother to fake it anymore. When Beast burst through the door and struck me in the face, whatever he hit out of me took a little bit of what was left of the thin shards of humanity he had allowed me to retain. My six year old now asks on approach if he may hug me, that unapproachable I've become. When I'm not comparing myself to a damaged, pit fighting mutt, (see earlier post) I feel like the rabbit, quivering, frozen to the spot knowing complete destruction is moments away, completely able, but unwilling to save himself. And without a voice. Save me from the rabbit-life. The rabbit only finds it voice at the moment of it's violent death, issuing a high-pitched, keening howl. I don't want my loudest cry for help to be when the rabbit howls.
hi! i read your blog and i am deeply deeply sorry for this terrible life experience, i admire your strength for not only yourself but especially your children, do you have somewhere else you can go? or mothers? or a family member? i don't have any good advice because i have no experience with this- but my prayers are with you.
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ReplyDeleteI followed your link, here. My beast is "boots on ground", i changed the locks, and i hope he been served divorce pp--since i'm wasn't there to see !!. Will he show up here???? I dont know he hasn't talked to me in 4 months. Will he be angry o yeah?? why because i didnt comply 5months ago and send him a phone,internet (to chat with me, Right) (his credit is crap) So what did he do, cut my funds, so i was emailing, calling his chain. His he mad ??
We have only been married 2 yrs, Mr Prince Charming, turned into Dr Jekyll..The same happened here--"no doors could be closed", "Aalfa man, everyday", didnt work (only resv) Yeah he said the same "it wont happen again, didnt mean it, only wants to make me happy"
So yeah, i did that happy dance too, 10 months ago, but those 10 months were hell, just the emails and calls he made (like he was right here) 1000 miles away.
So 4 months ago he said "I couldn't make him happy", but u know thats bull. He was just has his next victim lined up, saving money. Will he show up?? for his clothes? will he call first? I dont know? he didnt call to warn me he cut of funds completely this April 1, no calls or email to say he was on his way to states !!.
Hi Anon,
ReplyDeleteI understand the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comparison. I wrote about that in my last post. The rages and complete 180s are so exhausting, like you're bobbing in the ocean, clinging to a life raft, just knowing he's going to tip you over at any second. That's the worst part -- there's never any peace.
Don't let it make you crazy. That's the most important part. Make knowledge your guide and your power. You KNOW his brand of crazy, you lived it. You know him better than anyone else because you saw the true him. Knowledge of his true self is your Vorpol Sword. Time to slay your beast.
I'm thinking of you. Please let me know how you're doing.
Thank you, Princess. Your kind thoughts are much appreciated. No, no family nearby; I'm working on getting out. It's a slllooooowww process. I have court dates for our divorce scheduled all the way out till January 2011. Sometimes I think there's no getting away from this man. But I will. And there will be peace, calm and happiness. Thanks, again!
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