A Million Little Pieces

Monday, I went to the dentist after struggling through the weekend with a swollen and inflamed wisdom tooth.  Surprisingly, the dentist ended up extracting the tooth right then in a process that took a lot longer than anyone thought as the tooth would not go willingly and broke  into "a million little pieces".  Twice I woke up disoriented and in pain during the process only to finally awake when the ordeal was over.  Having lived with and through the Beast (thanks, "C", for the newest nickname), I assumed I could make it through work on Tuesday.  And I did.  Painful and swollen, only to come home and make dinner, do a couple loads of laundry and dishes.  Just as I did now.  I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks listening to the ever present sound of the dryer tossing the lavendar scented, clean little boy laundry around it's barrel.  I'm in more pain than I've been in quite a long time.  I can't differentiate between real and remembered pain.  I know that the swelling and quite possibly "dry socket" are real.  The pain meds are not working and the Motrin is not keeping the fever at bay.  But today was difficult.  Today, I met with a new counselor.  She fit me in her busy schedule and I did not think it polite to cancel even after surgery.  We discussed my pending court case tomorrow.  I explained how upset I will be tomorrow morning, how every time I have to look at him, I feel nauseous and how I was frightened that I would vomit and loosen the stitches in my mouth.  Another example of damage he causes whether intentional or not.

Of course, it only gets worse.  Upon arriving home, I received a fax from my attorney.  The Beast's greasy attorney sent a new order, this one negating everything I had fought and won over the past two months.  He is asking for a complete removal of the protective order.  The removal of my legal custody of the children.  Among other abominable things.  I live in a house provided by the Beast.  I hate it here.  It is a perfect home, a lovely home.  But it is provided at his mercy.  I want out of it so badly. 

If the protective order is lifted tomorrow morning, the Beast is free to come back.