The Codependency Tango

Usually when I leave my therapist's office, I feel lighter and brighter and definitely more hopeful.  This week, I learned I'm more damaged than I had originally believed.  My life is a veritable smorgasbord of psychotherapy from which to pick and chose.  I'm certain a good social worker or psychotherapist will want to select one diagnosis or painful experience and start with that.  That's fine for organized therapy, but for me, I'd like to work on the problems as they pop up and affect my life.  For example, right now, I'm starving and my choices are left over Swedish Christmas cookies or chili lime almonds.  NOT a happy camper! 

In my head, I picture my issues as one of my kids' long ago, infant, pop-up toys, bump a button and a random toy pops up.  So it is with my problems, a random mental jostling, a scent, a sound, and my issues burst forth unbidden.  Lately my pop-ups have been, in no particular order:  PTSD, co-dependence, and lack of self esteem.  As my PTSD is remaining mostly in check:  nightmares and startle reflexes few, I've been researching co-dependency (still pisses me off!) and self esteem.  There are a lot of theorists who link low self esteem to issues that occurred in childhood.  Let me share the following quote so you can see where I am going with this.

"This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs.  That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general.  The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life - with being human.  It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings." - Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

It would seem that Burney is saying codependencey begins with our dysfunctional relationships with ourselves, in other words, seeing ourselves poorly or low self esteem.  Feeling that we are unlovable in our primary relationships and more importantly, unlovable to our very selves sets the stage for codependency in our relationships with all others.  Burney's theory for treating codependency is largely one of healing your inner child.  Now don't shake your head just yet.  I was right there with you doing the  Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!" (Don't forget the lisp; it's just not the same without it!)  The more I read, the more I'm coming to believe there may be something to this "inner child" bullshit.

"In order to start being in the moment in a healthy, age-appropriate way it is necessary to heal our "inner child." The inner child we need to heal is actually our "inner children" who have been running our lives because we have been unconsciously reacting to life out of the emotional wounds and attitudes, the old tapes, of our childhoods." Robert Burney

I'm certainly not advocating one particular method of therapy and I am definitely NOT taking a one-size-fits-all view of treatment for abuse victims.  We all need to come to our own healing in our own time.  We may find that healing in a textbook or by talking to a friend.  Whatever form it takes, it is innately personal and individualized.  My goal is to share what works for me and to allow you to share my journey.  In this way, I am not alone.  And neither are you. 

We'll chat more about the ridiculous but strangely therapeutic loving your inner little girl tomorrow.  Till then, if you need me, leave a comment.