Living with a narcissist, cultivating some of the less flattering traits isn't difficult. Think of a gaggle of old women together talking about other old women, the insults fly fast and furious. When the barrier is broken by the narcissist, no one is off limits and back biting can become a family event. Developing empathy for the "poor, misunderstood" narcissist becomes one ineffective coping mechanism and defense. Thankfully, mine beat every last bit of empathy out of me long, long ago, but some of the more pervasive bad habits remain. Not only am I ultra critical of myself, I'm incredibly critical of others expecting, even demanding, Herculean efforts on their parts, none of which I wouldn't destroy my own self to produce, but unrealistic nonetheless. Demanding perfection is part of my family culture. Battle Cry of the Tiger Mother? No, Tiger Mothers pale in comparison to Mormon Mothers.
I've always believed my upbringing created in me an easy target for the narcissist. Take one young girl who believes in an absolute patriarchal rule, add to her endless "Pursuit of Excellence," and weigh her down with childbirth and rearing in quick succession and you have the perfect mark for an evil man. There's simply no time left in each day to consider something might be terribly, mentally wrong with your spouse because you are too hyper focused on what is fundamentally wrong with you. Have you fallen to your knees first thing upon waking in the morning to pray? Have you read your scriptures? Have you prepared your lessons for church and visiting teaching? Have you fed and dressed your children? Have you properly prepared your husband for his full day of work? Have you done your temple work, your genealogy? Have you washed and canned and cooked and sewn and...and...and???
Long, very long and tedious, story short, I woke up one day, decided the church that told me to respect my husband, to pray for and serve the monster that molested me, was decidedly wrong and quit. I quit the church. I quit my marriage. The only thing I didn't quit was my children, the truly blameless victims of this hideousness.
So my gloomy, rainy Tuesday thoughts turn to narcissism as I contemplate my Big Day in court tomorrow with my personal, hellish N. Wish me luck....
