It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.
- Sun Tzu
The only way to conquer your narcissist ex is to know him. No matter how much time you spent with him, you know this is not an easy task. If it came out of his mouth or was written by his hand, it was a lie. His actions were the only true insight into the real man. Knowing your enemy is the most effective battle strategy.
Few, if any of us, will be privy to any meaningful reason behind our abusers' rationales and motives. Honestly, the reason why doesn't matter too much, does it? Instead, we can rely on others for insight. I don't know the back story, but I do know that Sam Vaknin defines himself a narcissist and interprets for us what is unbelievable and bewildering.
From Sam's Facebook page: "The most dangerous class of abusers is the paranoid-delusional. If your ex is one of these, he is likely to:
Believe you still love him (erotomania).
Interpret everything you do or say -- even to 3rd parties -- as "hidden messages" addressed to him and professing your undying devotion (idea of reference). My ex found my profile on a local social group. He interpreted my public reservations with the private group (he must have joined under a fake profile) for parties, events and social nights out as invitations to him to join me and would show up unannounced in public venues as "coincidence."
Confuse the physical with the emotional (regard sex as "proof" of love and be prone to rape you. We call that "Tuesday."
Blame the failure of the relationship on you or on others -- social workers, your friends, your family, your children. Check, check, and yes, check. Currently, he has fixated on a friend of mine. While the action is disturbing, he has created the story that were it not for my friend, I would be with him right this very minute. That is so disrespectful of me and my wants and intellect.
Seek to "remove" the obstacles to a "happy" and long relationship -- sometimes by resorting to violence (kidnapping or murdering the sources of frustration). Ummm...yeah. Working on preventing kidnapping and murder. They're just not part of my five year plan.
Be very envious of your new found autonomy and try to sabotage it by reasserting his control over you (for instance, B&E your house, leave intrusive messages on your answering machine, follow you around and monitor your home." Or my particular favorite, while you are on vacation over a thousand miles away, call and leave a voice mail screaming at the top of one's lungs profanity at the children and then state breathlessly that although he hasn't harmed the children, God he wants to.
Harm you (and sometimes himself) in a fit of indignation (and to punish you) if he feels that no renewed relationship is possible. I do not have enough fingers or toes to tally the amount of threats of suicide. I don't have enough cells in my entire body to calculate the amount of times there was violence directed at me.
Develop persecutory delusions. Perceive slights and insults where none are intended. Become convinced that he is the center of a conspiracy to deny him (and you) happiness, to humiliate him, punish him, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, victimize or even murder him and so on. Can't even begin to touch on this one. Of course, everyone is out to get him. He is HIM, the All Mighty. Everyone wants to take him down for being Him, Glorious Him. I cannot imagine living in this manner.
Currently, my ex, my children's father, my abuser exemplifies the above description. No, of course, that doesn't make me happy to point that out. It saddens me as much as it sickens me. I need the reminder because I am so close to happiness, so close to being rid of the life described in the last paragraph, that constant vigil of everyone after us - his work, his parents, my parents, even at times, our children. I forget sometimes how horrid it was. I need to be reminded how dangerous the situation remains until I am totally free. Until then, I have only been granted probation, not a full pardon.
Be safe! Be happy!
(From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase the print book, or 16 e-books, or 2 DVDs with 12 hours of video lectures on narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)
