The Poorhouse
Okay, that's the money issues. Dirty laundry aired. I don't know 'bout you, but I feel cleaner. On to the next issue. Ladies and gentleman, tentatively, I say we may have won this one. Those of you out there know to whom I'm speaking. Those of you dealing with your own N's, there is hope. Thankfully, there's a library of blogs available from people, both professionals and regular people like us, who have dealt with these inhumans and can share their experiences. Using them as my Yoda, I have taken what works and incorporated it into my dealings with It. I'll bullet those things which I found the most helpful:
- Restraining/Protective Order: The N cannot help him/herself. Contact with you provides his much needed source. We both know the N is so much smarter than the police and the judges, he will violate the order consistently and amazingly. No matter, the order is needed to maintain order, to grant you the necessary space you need to heal.
- File Violations: This sounds obvious, but it is tedious, time consuming, and costly. Thankfully, the cost to you is only your time and wages lost. The costs to the N are far greater. Document, document, document every time the N violates the order. If there is any question whether s/he has, call your local District Commissioner or State's Attorney with specific questions. I have found first violations are a warning; subsequent violations are taken much more seriously.
- Keep a Binder: If yours is like mine, there will be SO many questionable actions and comments, you will never be able to remember them. I found writing them on the calendar in my smart phone was a great reminder. When you have time, write out what has happened, for example, mine made promises (bribes) to the children. I wrote down exactly what was said, the date and time. I later went back and pulled my phone records and attached the record with my documentation of the conversation and placed it in the binder. Organize your binder however you like, by date, etc... I have a couple binders. One deals with strictly his interactions with the children and another is legal and it is separated into Domestic Violence, Finances, etc...
- NEVER, EVER Respond: This is the tough one. I can honestly say yours is like mine. They are no different. Sadly, they conduct themselves in the same way you would expect. You're smiling aren't you? Wouldn't it kill them to know they are not unique? Mine's great at ferreting out a reaction from me. He knows the tricks; he knows the "codes" that will incite me to respond. Meditation was a great help with this one. Also realizing his total and complete inconsequentialness helped. I've been separated for well over a year and still feared his response if I didn't "play nice." Realizing he had absolutely no control over me released me.
- Let Go, Let God: God, Buddha, your cat, whatever deity or form of peace you believe in, give all your stress, hurt, and anger to it. So easy for her to say, you're thinking? Ah, back right up! This is coming from the lady who was raped just so she would "know her place" before events (military balls, church functions, family outings...) and had to smile and pretend it never happened. What I am saying is if I can tell you to let it go, you can trust me, you can let it go. I think those of us so badly mistreated become mini-control freaks. We can't control what they do to our bodies or our minds so we try to control our environments. Remember madly cleaning the house before he came home from work so an out of place toy didn't send him into a rage allowing him all the anger he needed to completely lose it and justify choking the shit out of you? Yeah, that kind of control of our environment. If you have lost your loser, this is the time to let go. You are safe now. You can breathe. Let go..... When, not if, when he pops up like the human herpe he is, deal with it on an as needed basis. Otherwise, his existence, EVEN IN THOSE COURT ORDERED TIMES WHEN HE HAS YOUR CHILDREN, LET GO! You deserve your life and your sanity.
Hmmm....that's all I can think of right now besides Hire a Great Lawyer. I think I'm so freaked out by the memory of those damn sexual assaults.... I mean, seriously, there were times I was in a freaking ball gown and hose for god's sake and he had to rape me like an animal assuming an alpha position in the pack. Later on, at the functions, he would point out men who maybe glanced at me and tell me how they desired me and if they only knew the things he did to me. What. A. Complete and Total. Sick. Fucker.
"Sometimes I guess there's just not enough rocks."
