Happy Thoughts
Some days I receive more phone calls from the police and attorneys than I do friends. And friends, well, I have "air friends" but not any human friends. Having friends was a risk the abuser couldn't take. Someone might see. Someone might know. Better to keep her in her Ivory Tower where he can have her all to himself. The Ivory Tower offered a measure of safety. In it, I didn't have to deflect comments about men looking at me. In public, he wanted me to wear suggestive clothing and then became angry when flashing flesh drew attention. Never been a big fan of having it both ways. Never been a big fan of showing off my bod either, but hey, it wasn't my body.
I digress (I think that's my middle name). Today, the phone call was to emphasize that acording to some sort of domestic violence algorithm, I am in immediate danger. I'm not certain how to approach this. On a cop show, I'd be wisked away in a fluffy wig and dark glasses to a safe location. But I am not a witness in a mafia drama and this is my reality. As an educated adult (at least my student loans seem to think so!) I am uncertain what my next move should be.
If I am missing or dead....
I digress (I think that's my middle name). Today, the phone call was to emphasize that acording to some sort of domestic violence algorithm, I am in immediate danger. I'm not certain how to approach this. On a cop show, I'd be wisked away in a fluffy wig and dark glasses to a safe location. But I am not a witness in a mafia drama and this is my reality. As an educated adult (at least my student loans seem to think so!) I am uncertain what my next move should be.
If I am missing or dead....
Amy's Courage
The Abuse Addict
People are consistently surprised at how “normal” they appear. They aren’t. Yet they aren’t all identifiably insane madmen, macho misogynists, or anxiety ridden neurotics. In fact, they look no different from the man who delivers your mail, who bags your groceries, who writes your prescriptions, who catches a game winning goal. We expect that hurtful people will look the part. We want them to. We need them to otherwise, all the tiny whisperings of something not quite right go unheeded because he looks so normal.
And he acts normally, too. When indicated, the abuser plays the part he wants the public to see: helpful neighbor raking leaves, adoring father cheering from the sidelines, loving and attentive husband. To the abuser, there are three sets of people: those he abuses, those he can abuse, and those he can’t. For each group, he must memorize the part to be played never forgetting his lines. The abuser is always “on.” For those he can’t abuse and for future victims, the abuser is pleasant and witty, always charming, always misunderstood. To his victims, the need for pretense was lost long ago. He appears as he is: angry, intense, agitated, edgy. He remembers the last conquest, the feel of the surge of adrenaline in his veins at the start of confrontation, the smell of his victim’s sweat and tears heavy with fear, the consuming power and excitement seeing his victim defeated and broken. This is his drug. The abusive man is an addict. He is addicted to the brutality as a form of self-maintenance. The only time his shaky self-confidence is intact, the only time he feels powerful, the only time he is whole, is valued, is loved, even, is when he is locked into a violent conflict.
Defeat is not enough. Total annihilation of the victim’s psyche is the goal. It is not enough to merely batter. The abusive man becomes sexually excited at the height of his confrontation and many will culminate the abuse with sexual assault. "Look," he says to her, "I have beaten you and will take what is mine. Neither you nor anyone will stop me, I am that powerful." Spent, the cycle begins again.
And he acts normally, too. When indicated, the abuser plays the part he wants the public to see: helpful neighbor raking leaves, adoring father cheering from the sidelines, loving and attentive husband. To the abuser, there are three sets of people: those he abuses, those he can abuse, and those he can’t. For each group, he must memorize the part to be played never forgetting his lines. The abuser is always “on.” For those he can’t abuse and for future victims, the abuser is pleasant and witty, always charming, always misunderstood. To his victims, the need for pretense was lost long ago. He appears as he is: angry, intense, agitated, edgy. He remembers the last conquest, the feel of the surge of adrenaline in his veins at the start of confrontation, the smell of his victim’s sweat and tears heavy with fear, the consuming power and excitement seeing his victim defeated and broken. This is his drug. The abusive man is an addict. He is addicted to the brutality as a form of self-maintenance. The only time his shaky self-confidence is intact, the only time he feels powerful, the only time he is whole, is valued, is loved, even, is when he is locked into a violent conflict.
Defeat is not enough. Total annihilation of the victim’s psyche is the goal. It is not enough to merely batter. The abusive man becomes sexually excited at the height of his confrontation and many will culminate the abuse with sexual assault. "Look," he says to her, "I have beaten you and will take what is mine. Neither you nor anyone will stop me, I am that powerful." Spent, the cycle begins again.
For more on the Cycle of Violence, please click the link. http://www.shelterforhelpinemergency.org/page19.html
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Whew! Negotiated Christmas with It. I had the children Christmas day. The day after, It drove the children fifteen hours through the snowstorm to a resort. Oh, haven't I updated you in the divorce process? Wow! We need to catch up! After you, yes, YOU, gave him a HUGE settlement for leaving active duty service (I will just say Thank You, Taxpayers for him because he will never acknowledge your gift.), there was discussion among the lawyers regarding renegotiating child support. Turns out, there's no money left. Pay out first of October. Money's gone by the new year. It would like to claim indigency or whatever it is when you're broke and don't want to pay support. My little brain is trying to work it's way around tens of thousands of dollars in a payout and a week long, Christmas vacation at a resort somehow = bankruptcy.
The Poorhouse
Okay, that's the money issues. Dirty laundry aired. I don't know 'bout you, but I feel cleaner. On to the next issue. Ladies and gentleman, tentatively, I say we may have won this one. Those of you out there know to whom I'm speaking. Those of you dealing with your own N's, there is hope. Thankfully, there's a library of blogs available from people, both professionals and regular people like us, who have dealt with these inhumans and can share their experiences. Using them as my Yoda, I have taken what works and incorporated it into my dealings with It. I'll bullet those things which I found the most helpful:
- Restraining/Protective Order: The N cannot help him/herself. Contact with you provides his much needed source. We both know the N is so much smarter than the police and the judges, he will violate the order consistently and amazingly. No matter, the order is needed to maintain order, to grant you the necessary space you need to heal.
- File Violations: This sounds obvious, but it is tedious, time consuming, and costly. Thankfully, the cost to you is only your time and wages lost. The costs to the N are far greater. Document, document, document every time the N violates the order. If there is any question whether s/he has, call your local District Commissioner or State's Attorney with specific questions. I have found first violations are a warning; subsequent violations are taken much more seriously.
- Keep a Binder: If yours is like mine, there will be SO many questionable actions and comments, you will never be able to remember them. I found writing them on the calendar in my smart phone was a great reminder. When you have time, write out what has happened, for example, mine made promises (bribes) to the children. I wrote down exactly what was said, the date and time. I later went back and pulled my phone records and attached the record with my documentation of the conversation and placed it in the binder. Organize your binder however you like, by date, etc... I have a couple binders. One deals with strictly his interactions with the children and another is legal and it is separated into Domestic Violence, Finances, etc...
- NEVER, EVER Respond: This is the tough one. I can honestly say yours is like mine. They are no different. Sadly, they conduct themselves in the same way you would expect. You're smiling aren't you? Wouldn't it kill them to know they are not unique? Mine's great at ferreting out a reaction from me. He knows the tricks; he knows the "codes" that will incite me to respond. Meditation was a great help with this one. Also realizing his total and complete inconsequentialness helped. I've been separated for well over a year and still feared his response if I didn't "play nice." Realizing he had absolutely no control over me released me.
- Let Go, Let God: God, Buddha, your cat, whatever deity or form of peace you believe in, give all your stress, hurt, and anger to it. So easy for her to say, you're thinking? Ah, back right up! This is coming from the lady who was raped just so she would "know her place" before events (military balls, church functions, family outings...) and had to smile and pretend it never happened. What I am saying is if I can tell you to let it go, you can trust me, you can let it go. I think those of us so badly mistreated become mini-control freaks. We can't control what they do to our bodies or our minds so we try to control our environments. Remember madly cleaning the house before he came home from work so an out of place toy didn't send him into a rage allowing him all the anger he needed to completely lose it and justify choking the shit out of you? Yeah, that kind of control of our environment. If you have lost your loser, this is the time to let go. You are safe now. You can breathe. Let go..... When, not if, when he pops up like the human herpe he is, deal with it on an as needed basis. Otherwise, his existence, EVEN IN THOSE COURT ORDERED TIMES WHEN HE HAS YOUR CHILDREN, LET GO! You deserve your life and your sanity.
Hmmm....that's all I can think of right now besides Hire a Great Lawyer. I think I'm so freaked out by the memory of those damn sexual assaults.... I mean, seriously, there were times I was in a freaking ball gown and hose for god's sake and he had to rape me like an animal assuming an alpha position in the pack. Later on, at the functions, he would point out men who maybe glanced at me and tell me how they desired me and if they only knew the things he did to me. What. A. Complete and Total. Sick. Fucker.
"Sometimes I guess there's just not enough rocks."
Thought of the Day!
Today's Thought of the Day is brought to you by the Letters L and J. A highschooler in the eighties, I will now pass along the wisdom gained from the iconic and abtastic, L.L. Cool J.
"You can't let your past
hold your future hostage."
Yes, the ladies do love Cool James....but only for his mind. Remember to breathe. Have a Great Thursday!
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